This year, I will:
- NOT make some idiotic proclamation that I will do anything productive for my intellectual self, like, say read the complete works of Charles Dickens or plan to go out to a play at least twice a month or anything, as I am barely finding enough time to catch up on LOST, and what’s the point of intellectual growth if I drive myself mad in the process? Rather, I:
- WILL ignore entirely the pile of unread books that only seems to grow with each trip to Chapters, as well as the list in the back of my notebook of classic films my cave-type living situation has ensured I’ve never seen, and especially the need to feel somewhat cool by discovering a random new indie band each week via the wonder of the internet, and I:
- WILL continue to listen to all of The Clash, all of the time, on my hopelessly outdated CD-playing stereo, while re-reading Harry Potter for the umpteenth time, and watching repeats of Friends.
- NOT vow to upkeep some ridiculous diet plan and exercise regime that only leaves me feeling like the flabby noob with lily white sneakers and sweaty, red face at every gym I attempt to go to, only to abandon the plan sometime around mid-February and thus eat more to curb the sense of utter failure and inherently gain more weight. Rather, I:
- WILL learn not to stress about my weight and embrace who I am, knowing that losing weight will not cure any self-esteem issues or solve my problems, so I will learn to like (we’ll work at ‘love’) myself as is, and know that I will be healthy when I am simply happy.
- NOT worry about keeping my house clean with the laundry filtering through the washer on a strict, orderly schedule and no dish sitting in the sink for more than two days and the floors free of dust and cat hair and dirt-yes, dirt. Rather, I:
- WILL remember an adage I saw in a store in Helsinki, “a clean house is a sign of a wasted life,” while I sit on the couch eating Mr. Noodles, staring aimlessly at my unused elliptical machine while disc one of Sandinista! replays for the third time.
- NOT make any insane resolution that no one will notice or care if I keep or not. Rather, I:
- WILL enjoy being single; stop and smell the roses; live in the moment; not worry about upward mobility or money or “improving myself.” I will spend this one year happy with my lot; ruminating on my life as is; exploring the built-up calculus of my inner conscience and the joy of my current companions; be happy.
And I will not beat myself up if I don’t keep this anti-resolution.